Its been quite a journey to get to here. I have had several realizations along the way. First of all, everything I knew about relationship was, well, wrong. For 30 years, I suffered the emotional abuse of the woman who was supposed to love me, which left me feeling lonely, sad, resigned and cynical. To be fair, when we got separated, it felt like being released from prison. I began to meet new people and in a very short time, I came to realize that instead of being unlovable, I was in fact, loveable. That had me create a clear picture of what was missing from my marriage, whch in turn gave me the clarity to create something new. I set out to create intimacy. This was back in early 2018 fully 4 years of exploring after my separation. We finally got divorced in 2017, so by 2018, I was ready to find my life partner.
I created a tattoo in the trash polka style that had the elements of what I set out to discover and find. I believed in attraction, which is represented by the pheromone symbol, I believed that life is random which the black and red strips represent. I believe we live in an infinite universe which the dots represent. Mostly, I wanted to be truly loved more than anything, which the lips represent. Together, the tattoo says I am lovable. It took me 7 months to get the tattoo on my chest over my heart.
With that resolved, I created a seeking post that was quite specific, painting a life of fun with a partner in crime. I put it out into the universe in the cities close to Seattle, including Tacoma, Portland, Vancouver BC and Denver as well as Seattle. I had a number of women reach out to me and even met a few before Heather, who was on her own search for happiness, found my post and made contact with me.
We courted for about 6 months, meeting for meals and drinks and walks in the park before we made the choice to begin our relationship formally. It was only a few weeks after that, that Heather moved in with me. For the next year we really took time to get to know each other, and when Heather’s divorce was final, on the winter solsctice of 2019, we celebrated by committing to each other that we would “create something new”. Then covid happend. For the next year, we spent 24 hours a day together and it was bliss. We really got to know each other inside and out. We were committed that we would not experience another long term relationship on the terms we had both expereinced in the past. In her case, Heather had dealt with a long term abusive marriage at the hands of her narcicistic husband, and she was committed to not have a similar experience. We were both on the same page. We were clear about what we did not want to create.
We spent the next several years being with each other, making great food, and even better cocktails, we explored a truly wonderful sex life and by any measure, we were happier that either of us had ever been. One thing that was true, and a real surprise for both of us, was the amazing allignment that existed between us. At the time, it was notable because each of us had been so out of allignment with our previous partners. To this day, that is still true. We are incredibly allinged.
When we started out, we were both of a mind that marriage was not the objective. In fact, we both made the choice overtly to “never get married again.” It was with that backdrop that our love blossomed. To be fair, Heather was the one who first shared that she was experinecing loving feelings toward me. I made the choice to be with that and to be loved by her. I was hungry for love. Internally, I beleived I was not lovable even though by then, I knew that I was. So, from early 2019 till late 2023, we blissfully made our way as lovers without a thought about marriage.
Then we began to explore mind-expansion. First with mushrooms and then with MDMA. To be quite clear, the impact was completely unexpected. Less so with the mushrooms, which made us laugh hysterically with statements like, “Be careful on that dangerous carpet” as I left the living room, our mirth occuring all day long. It was the experience on MDMA that changed everything. As you might know, MDMA creates a massive dopamine dump which has you see each other newly. I was clear that my feelings for Heather transcended anything I had ever expreinced. It took a few days to process, but we spoke about it one day in these terms when I said to her, “Having seen you newly, now I just cannot unsee you!” She agreed that it was a game changer. A shift in context. A new realm had been created. With that, we agreed that the next thing to do in our relationship was to get married. Wow! We were both on exactly the same page. Heather said, “Lets set a date to get engaged because I also want to ask you to marry me.” We had formalized our relationship initially on the winter solstice of 2019, and now we would take the next step on the winter solstice of 2023.
It was magical really. we both got dressed up and we met in the living room having taken MDMA for the purpose, and we spoke the words we had written to each other and we asked each other to marry. We both agreed, of course, and we set about creating the greatest engagement period we could imagine.
Our engament unleashed Heather’s creative mind. She set about making a “Love Quilt”. Her family are all Master Quilters and OH MY GOD, The quilt she created is mind boggling. The intention is that we first use the quilt to wrap ourselves in when we get married, and the use it as our bed quilt going forward. Its beautiful and made with such love. I am really moved by this quilt.
Not only that, she also made a flask with two spouts for us to drink wine from together at our wedding. The flask is painted to capture her “spirit animal” the Snow Leopard, and my spirit, the science of aliveness as represented by the prism breaking up whote light as referenced on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. Pink Floyd being my favorite band also captures my preferered vibrational energy.
This period, the period between the winter solstice and summer solstice has been the most amazing time of my life. In about 2 weeks we are going to marry on the summer solstice. We have committed to create our marriage newly each and every day. When my previous marriage came to an end, I realized that my ex-wife and I had pretended to be married to each other. With Heather, we are committed that we are not prepared to be anything other than 100% present at all times with each other. Its going to be the greatest marriage in the history of marriage! We are so excited for the next stage to begin. It will be a whole new realm.
My Life: A Memoir 