The next 10 years were a blur. Having 4 children under age 8 meant that we were basically logistics minded creatures. At one point, we realized that we had over 100 adults we were interacting with around our kids activities. Between teachers, coaches, extra lessons, music and so on, it was amazing. When the kids were little, it was mostly Melissa who was the primary care giver. As they got to the age of about 6, I came into my own as they took on sports and camping events. For example, all the kids participated in the Y-Guides (When Sam, the oldest participated, it was still called the “Indian Guides”. Anyway, there is a great campsite called Camp Orkila which is located on the tip of Orcas Island in the San Juan’s facing into the Straights of Juan de Fuca.
I loved taking the kids to the camp. There were lots of activities, like orienteering, rock climbing, air rifle, archery and so on. The camp was fun, only dads and their kids, and it was either an all boy or all girl camp. The kids went from age 5 to about age 8, which means that I got to go about 12 times. The ferry ride to Orcas Island is really spectacular as the ferry weaves between the islands.
In addition to camping with the kids, I coached their teams. All of their teams, except for swimming and water polo, which they got to enjoy at the Mercerwood Shore Club, a private swimming, diving and tennis club on the East side of the Island that we joined after we moved there. In any event, I coached soccer (what Americans call football), baseball, and basketball. I found it difficult to coach these American sports since I did not grow up with them, so I read books about the sports and watched the pro’s, the Seattle Sonics basketball team, which was great in those days, and the Seattle Mariners, who were crap mostly but had a good run at one point. In addition to coaching all the sports, I also earned my Soccer Coaching “C License” which had me coaching at Mercer Island High School where I coached the Freshman girls for one season, and then the JV girls team for about 4 seasons. There was one season where I was coaching all four kids soccer teams and the high school team. My daughter Mia was playing recreational soccer, Josh was playing his last year of recreational soccer, Quinn was playing Club Select and Sam was playing Premier soccer and of course I had the high school team. each team had practices and matches each week. Between work and coaching I was working like 20 hours a day it seemed.
I felt that I contributed to their lives in a really meaningful way during their formative years and it occurs to me as I write this now, that I was an excellent dad.
I took on being a dad with the view to exploring childhood through the eyes of my children. I was essentially an only child growing up, my sibs were 8, 9 and 12 years older than me. To be fair, I really did explore my youth newly as my kids grew up. We took them on trips to Hawaii, Western Europe, Colorado, California, Florida, NYC, Montana, Mexico, Canada and more. In addition, we made sure they all had music or art, played sport and that we had dinner as a family each night. Our purpose was parenting.
This of course meant that our relationship was not a priority. The result of that was the massive distance that was created between us by the time Mia was about 3 years old. From that point forward, there was practically no intimacy between us, and certainly no sex. For the last 10 years of my marriage I was depressed. I gained weight, drank more and generally kept to myself at home (watching cooking shows). I coexisted with Melissa, and felt the pain of her contempt.
I was feeling ambitious, and because I had been staring at that piece of dirt for years, I hired a landscape architect to help me design the hardscape. I had sat with those plans a while, when at a party one night, I met a guy who sold landscape rock. I went to work and started shopping for rock. I rented a digger and went to work. In the end, it looked great! I had built a patio! I was very proud of it too.
I mostly did the work myself, but did get help from a couple of contractors for the technical work like to properly construct the wall and luckily, my rugby friend Ryan was able to lay the slate professionally. I loved doing this project and really enjoyed the result. In the end it added value to the house which looked like this at the time before I took this on.
It was not long after I completed that project that Mia graduated from high school where Melissa and took her off to school across the state. We went on an extended road trip to Yellowstone after we left Wall Walla (the town so nice, they named it twice,) and it was on that trip I do believe that Melissa made the determination to leave me. She said otherwise, but it was downhill after that. Her behavior toward me deteriorated to the point of abuse. She was rude, disrespectful, cruel and unkind. I did what I could to cater to her as she pulled away. I was under no illusions, and was clear that we were not going to stay together. That was crystal clear. The last straw occurred when she went off to the Bahamas with a girlfriend, and while there contracted a bladder infection. I took care of her when she returned, but something happened that precipitated her stating that she wanted a divorce. She had fractured her right shoulder in a bicycle accident a few weeks prior to her vacation, and we she returned, after we dropped off her friend, we went to the Roanoke, a local pub, for dinner. I was sitting to her right at the bar. When our dinner came, we began to eat, and our elbows touched, which unfortunately lit up her shoulder fracture. She freaked out and started screaming at me at the top of her voice in this crowded pub. I was mortified. “Don’t talk to me like that, and keep your voice down.” I said to which she responded, “I’m leaving.” and she got up and walked out. I quickly paid the bill and followed her out. She was standing at the car so, I unlocked the doors and she got in. We drove home in silence. We walked in and I went to the living room to sit and lick my wounded pride. She walked in and sat across from me. “I want a divorce” she said as matter of fact.
I said, “Thank you for being straight with me for the first time in your life.”
The next few years were a real challenge to navigate. My children abandoned me, which hurt a lot given how much I had committed to them and supported them throughout their lives. About the most most important thing I did at that time was register for Landmark education. I remember the gasps when I stood up to share and said, “My dog died, my mom died, my house flooded, my marriage of 30 years ended when my wife left me and my business of 30 years failed all during the last 6 months.” It was through Landmark education that I chose to live an authentic life, and I made the choice to live into the distinction of the teaching. I finally met Heather, who, after a period of courtship, became my lover and constant companion. The almost 7 years since we became lovers have sped by. That pretty much brings me up to date at the time of this writing. Heather and I are happier than either of us had ever been. We have such a beautiful relationship. From when Melissa and I first talked about divorce, as well as during the process of getting divorced all the way till Heather and I moved in together, my life was messy. Now all that has changed and while my kids adhere to their group agreement to have no contact with me, after 9 years of that, I am at peace with it. I have resigned myself to the knowledge that they are firmly in their mothers camp. Its their loss because they have never known me while I have been this happy and fulfilled. I am living my best life. I am blissfully happy, I am in love with my beautiful, sexy hot fun partner, and we are living a transcendent life of bliss.
In 2024, Heather and I got married. We both consider it our first marriage even though we were both married before. The reason is that we are seeing ourselves newly and marriage newly and what we are up to is nothing like anything that we participated in in the past. So, yes, it;’s really our first marriage.
My Life: A Memoir 